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[18 Jul 2005|01:51pm] |
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skydiving today. fucking a.
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[03 Jul 2005|03:56pm] |
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i can't help it. i miss you.
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[27 May 2005|01:59pm] |
i want to tear down this city.
lonliness is a slut.
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[20 Apr 2005|09:12pm] |
i'm feeling pretty distressed.
i don't know what to do.
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[05 Apr 2005|08:27pm] |
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is it wrong how the sunny weather makes me feel so sad? at thirteen, they said i'd grow out of all of this. at 18 i had teenage angst. seven years of ups and downs but in the end nothing much changed except the name for it. hormones. depression. angst. rebellion. i had my own names. distress. mercury. writing about it is pointless. but i always do anyway. someday i'll be able to sleep.
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[13 Mar 2005|08:42pm] |
and when miranda sang, everyone turned away, used to the noose they obeyed.
(i don't want the world to ever stop being like this.)
♥
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[05 Mar 2005|06:07pm] |
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i go back tomorrow. that thought drags on me like lead. but in a lot of ways, i'm glad to be getting out of here again. i've had a pretty good break i guess but fuck this place. everywhere is nicer than flint.. except ypsilanti. last night was a night. the local makes me so unhappy. but aaron is an amazing drummer. so that made it better. and the random guy who stopped to talk to me outside to make sure i was alright. i don't know. i really love the movie i♥huckabees. i'm not sure why i like it so much. it just makes me feel ok. and i feel like i really want a friend like tommy. god i feel worthless though. tossed aside again with hardly a breath of explanation. you'd think i'd be used to it by now, but no. everytime is like the first time. fuck me for that. ah i don't really want to talk about it. i don't know what to say anymore so i guess that means i should just shut up. i hope we don't get that storm sunday. i have that i just want to go home feeling that you get sometimes even when you are home. i feel really uncomfortable sometimes. and i really just want to be happy. but i'm too codependent and insecure for that right now. maybe if i sleep around and act like i don't have a brain or a heart i'll be happier. slutty girls aren't sad all the time. stupid people aren't unhappy. maybe drugs are the answer and i can just bake my brain until i don't give a shit. maybe i'm jealous of people who can fuck for the sake of a fuck. those people seem to have a thicker skin than me. they get hurt less. or maybe if i was prettier things would be ok. it makes me goddamn sad that sometimes i just wish i was pretty so that someone would give a shit about me. hah. it's so hard to stop being shy. but gh. i'm sick of this. when i reread all this i hear my own voice and i'm goddamn sick and tired of the sound of my own voice. but i guess i'm going to mongolian bbq with aaron and some of his friends soon. good thing too. i'm starving.
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[01 Mar 2005|09:52pm] |
today: terrified of driving anymore. but i still need to get home. it's been snowing hard since i got here. found degrassi 1st season dvds.. for fifty dollars. hah. also found out that one of my favorite books the rainbow goblins by ul de rico is out of print. which, to me, is tragic. i search for it at every bookstore i go into ever. ebay didn't have it. one day, i will get my hands on that book. there's also a sort of sequal to it called i think the white goblin which i really want too. i hear it's not as good as the rainbow goblins story-wise. but the illustrations are just as magnificant still. beautiful, vibrant colors and amazing attention to detail.
i just reread the review of the white goblin and i think it might be better than i was thinking. they said it was darker. more heavy. not as much for children. so it may be wonderful. and yea, i realize i just wrote a paragraph and a half about two children's books.
i'm tired. time to head home.
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[19 Feb 2005|10:59am] |
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children waiting for the day they feel good.. i definately don't feel good. i don't think anyone will understand. but when you stop being a teenager, that's a big deal. whether positive or negative, it's a fucking big deal. maybe it's just me. it's not even that i feel old i guess. i just feel like i don't matter. i remember when i was younger, birthdays were celebrations. i for sure don't feel like celebrating. tonight i'm playing drunk bus for my sister and her friends again. i don't mind. i'm just tired. and seeing people i love being all fucked up makes me sad. all day today i felt the tugging feeling in my heart and stomach. just mercury all over like never before. and i feel so selfish for being so sad. but i just can't snap myself out of it. it just gets harder to inhale. my breathing's like yours, only shallow. (</font>i think the most ironic album i own is my bloody valentine's loveless. because i got it for valentines day - from an ex.). so, if you haven't guessed it by now, today is my birthday. and i'm feeling like shit. so, if you happen to care at all,(and if you're reading this, you should at least care a little), tell me you love me. even though it's just type on a screen, and i practically begged you to say it, it will probably mean the world to me.
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